So at yoga today, like every day that I go, I committed to try REALLY REALLY hard at what they tell us at the start of EVERY class: Get out of your head, set an intention for your practice (what do you want to get out of today’s workout?), stop thinking about outside things…focus on yourself…for 40 minutes and then go about your day in joy, peace, love etc. leaving all the shit behind on your mat. I have YET to make it 5 minutes without thinking about life, drama & expectations. I know we all have those issues, some worse than others, but it’s always the same questions and worries that won’t leave my brain, no matter how many times I try to push them out. Today was no exception, and I tried…I tried like hell, but when I am all alone with my thoughts, this is what happens. As soon as I hit my mat (or my pillow, or even during a run), it’s the same scenario over and over in my head and it goes something like this:
How are my kids doing today? Are they happy? Are they getting what they want out of life? Am I even on their minds?
Why can’t life just be simple? Must everyone always have to prove a point or always be upset about something?
Will we as humans ever live peaceful and free from fear, judgement & criticism?
Time is running out every single day. Why do we choose to waste it vs. make the best of what is left?
Was I a good mom? I tried, I really, really tried to be the best mom, the mom that I wanted for myself.
Am I a terrible, selfish person for thinking things should be better?
It’s incredible how much shit goes on in our brains, without resolution, day after day; why do I keep thinking and worrying about stuff if it doesn’t change anything? I took up yoga to help me get out of my head (and of course to help with the chronic aches), but my mind seems to not be on board with the program, no matter how hard I try. I wish I knew how to shut it down and give some love to myself once in awhile instead of constantly worrying about the things I have zero control over. And don’t get me wrong, I know that the life I have is good; it’s great in fact. For that, I am beyond grateful & happy. I don’t take it for granted. I don’t live with regrets. I do look forward to the future. I truly am proud of my accomplishments…all of them, kids included. I just wish a few things could be better so that the pain would go away. I guess we all do.