Ode To My Sub 4:00 Marathon

I WILL refrain from smart-ass comments & eye-rolling when my family & friends ask me “how long THIS MARATHON will be.”

I WILL go to bed early every night during marathon week. No more “insomnia” marathons for me!

I WILL eat healthy all week; no crap, not even the left-over Easter candy, including Peeps :o(

I WILL stick to a taper this week & not overdo it just because the rest of my friends are running 50 miles & I’m jealous.

I WILL take the wall charger for my Garmin with me to Cleveland even though it clearly says 100% charged (dead Garmin pre-race panic attacks suck).

I WILL NOT wear any running attire for the race that I haven’t trialed on a long run already; chafing bites!

I WILL NOT put Quench Runner’s Gum pieces in my sports bra & forget about them, only to have post-race photos taken with the pieces still there, making me look like a freak of nature.

I WILL NOT over-hydrate on race morning. Anything more than four porta-john trips before the race is unacceptable.

I WILL jog a warm-up & properly stretch 45 minutes before the race (I promise Carrie).

I WILL NOT go out of the starting chute like I stole something; I WILL keep my first mile @ least 8:30.

If I have to pee, I WILL stop & go, no more holding it the entire race & focusing on not peeing my pants.

I WILL fartlek (aka pick up the pace) to the next fluid station so I can afford the time to properly drink & not have electrolyte aspiration; it really hurts when Gatorade comes out your nose!

I WILL NOT run & simultaneously eat PowerAde Gummy Chews while chasing them down with water. Those also hurt when you choke & they get stuck in your nose. I WILL stick with gels.

I WILL NOT engage in lengthy conversations with other runners because talking increases my heart rate & makes me run slower.

I WILL NOT be a baby & walk the long uphills. A slow jog will cost me less time, even if it hurts.

I WILL NOT take the downhills like a barrel over Niagara Falls, it’s not worth it come mile 20.

I WILL refrain from pissy comments & dirty looks when people at the 22 mile water stop say “you’re almost done.”

I WILL NOT be snarky about the woman in front of me who weighs 50 lbs more than I or who is 20 years older & beating me (this one will be a little hard).

I WILL NOT put adhesive toe warmers in the back & front of my sports bra for warmth before the race & forget about them until after; they WILL burn me.

I WILL NOT overdress & be stuck with my favorite long-sleeve race shirt around my waist after the first half mile, to flap & annoy me the entire time. I WILL suck it up at the start line because I WILL eventually get hot & forget all about having been cold in the first place.

I WILL pray, for people I know who are going through a tough time, every mile instead of mentally making fun of peoples’ choice in race attire; or lack thereof.

I WILL have a great race & not act like a spoiled brat if I miss my goal & just be thankful I CAN run a marathon at all!

**The above have all happened to me in one race or another**

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